The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I genuinely have empathy for everyone in my subculture. If I
can reach a hand out and help I just do it. I don't want thanks. I don't do it for that. I don't really know why I do it. I'm not even a really nice person. I try to understand people. It's my new hobby
I've been reading old Vampire: The Masquerade clan books and I must say that when I was younger and searching for vampires or any form of kindred actually; I should have searched a bit more. I joined the first group that would have me; and the constant in-fighting; jealousy (because everyone dates everyone and hearts will always be crushed when that happens); fighting; backstabbing; haha; what a mess. When I got older the groups got smaller; and now there is hardly anyone left.
Hmm. I think I need an afternoon nap. I'll wake up later and finish these random thoughts of mine.

We are not babies. Our base prayers reach no higher law. If your mind still struggles with tidings of justice, karmic equality, or any notion of fair play; well you've been playing this game all wrong.

For every single "good" life story; I must wade through 50 horror shows. Mine included. In fact; if you have not been completely broken; destroyed; ran through; gutted; ransacked; robbed; or otherwise fucked over; I probably don't have much in common with you and my advice for you: wait.

I had to walk away from a career with too many human beings. I chose animals instead. Where I'm employed, sees these people's dogs on an itinerary of things that I would classify as : "something only someone with excess money would want for their dog." This would get to me in the past. Yet now I cant help but think:
"So the dogs live better than I do. Fuck it. Good for them."

I live better than a lot of others; who live better than others; etc. until you hit the bottom of the primordial goo.

I've decided that I can not care for everyone. I dont even want to. I do want to help anyone that comes to me for help. I want to help those in my immediate reach. I used to want the best for humanity. Now I think there is no such thing as "the best for someone".

All I want to be is not so dreadful any longer.

I have an abusive father. I am looking at 40 years old in a few years....you would think having a father in his fucking 60's, that maybe the family would calm down; sins of the past becoming water under the bridge eventually. But that bigot; racist; sexist; violent (even though he's a FUCKING pussy); fat bastard; shit fuck, has just gotten worse with age. If I had pretty much done whatever vile shit my skull cooked up since being a young man, without having any repercussions, maybe I would of followed the same path....instead I chose Nightmare mode when I picked life difficulty.
I've had soul crushing loss; I am only now coming out of a three year depression of losing my wife; COVID (that's another tale in and of itself) took her from me. It was very hard to find her; even harder to lose her. I date within the subculture.....I don't usually date "normies" or anyone that doesn't have a foothold in uh....our way of life. So finding a partner; that had a strong masculine identity; was "darkly inclined"; and attracted to me, to marry or be together forever with; it was hard. Do you know where I found her? Here. On this site.....lllooollll. Her profile is still on here; it makes me smile.

So in the intervening years my mind hadn't been thinking about the family I DO have. That my mother has been ground to heel under foot of that fat tyrant. That he ruined her. A bright, loving, compassionate, decent woman that fucking stood by (and continues to, due to CATHOLICISM and her love for GOD. which she turned to because he fucking broke her).
So the family is fucked up people. I don't have the means to carry my mother on my own. my little brother just got engaged and his fiance just beat cancer; he's a good man; and I don't want him involved.
but what to do? he will never tread on me again. I am not the child he abused; I am not the teenager he ignored; and I certainly am not the meager young man in college he would scream at. for fucks sake; I could have a child that would be an adult by now. like WTF. Maybe I am that naive though that I thought he would stop. He just never has.
Basically, I just want him to know that his reign of terror is at an end.
but what to do?

COMMENTS

-

---

Cadrewolf2
02:28 Apr 26 2024

It took me over twenty years to go see my parents after a blackened childhood and then a couple years later I lost them both. Time and memories a will never get back and wasted years of my growth they did not see. choose your own path to find your peace from your demons that haunt you. I hope once again you find the companion you search and need in your life.

---

Gomez
02:42 Apr 26 2024

Why, thank you.....twenty years. Twenty ' fuckin' years. Did you forgive them? I harbor a grudge, I do. But if he would ever apologize I would accept it. I would. That's not how he is built sadly and I just don't have the capacity to have him in my life at this point if he insists on being a tyrant. your right. I do need my own path. My best and favorite times have always been when I invested myself in the subculture. Into making connections; sharing and absorbing everyones energies; though I don't hold any power to that end. My vampirism has brought me to some fascinating places

---

xDemonsxNightx
05:03 Apr 26 2024

It's hard to forgive a parent in life, it is even harder after they're gone. It's been 12 years now, and it is still hard to let go of the anger and pain.

---

POST COMMENT

I'm gonna start biting people.